Live On in Song
So, Hope (my family's rabbit) was put to sleep today. I can't say I've been very close to him, or spent a lot of time with him, but I still am rather saddened by the fact he won't be here anymore. No more scuffling sound in the morning when I get my shoes and go out. No more little ball of black fur at the corner of my eye as i walk out of the kitchen.
"You're with Jesus now."
That's when I started to break down a bit. When my eyes welled up a bit. I was surprised at myself, I barely ever cry, even considering my over-active tear glands.
Hearing my sister say a prayer, watching my mother cry, rubbing his grey fur. It was a poignant scene.
For a while I thought about how the vet mentioned how she decided when it was time for her to let go of her own pet. For a while I thought about my own faith. Did I still believe in God and His mercy?
That was the second time (that I can recall) seeing my mom cry.
The first was when I came back extremely late from a date with pearlyn and turned off my phone...it was the period where I made my parents' lives quite terrible. This time, at least I wasn't the one causing it, I could try and comfort her.
"There are no words for this." - were the words that ran through my head as I stood there staring at a poster of a rabbit, while Hope was outside of the consultation room, getting prepared.
But I'm really proud of my mom. She wanted to see it take place. She's always been afraid of seeing...the ending, as it were. She couldn't bear to see her pet cat buried, she couldn't bring herself to go to her father's funeral. But this time she wanted to see it being done. For the first time (I think) she was ready to accept everything, accept closure. I guess she didn't want to relive that guilt and uncertainty. But sadly, there was some complication so they had to do it another way, and they suggested that we not watch it as it can be stressful for those who haven't witnessed euthanasia before. But regardless, I'm glad that she had the will to do that. Hope's condition in his last week or so was really similar to that of her own father in the last few years of his life. Bedridden, immobile, not his usual self. And I was just mildly angry that everything had to happen in such a way that my mom had to be reminded of the past in such a painful way. Nevertheless, I'll believe they're both in a better place now.
My sister didn't cry much, nowhere near as much as my mom. I suppose she had more self-control, and also she used her faith as a coping mechanism. I really hope she doesn't get any more pets after this. I remember my mom was so against her getting a rabbit, she said she wouldn't take care of it. Only much later did I realize it was because she knew she'd get too attached and it would be too painful to let go. I think my sis is handling it pretty well. The way she happily said "Bye!" to the cage as we threw it away downstairs reassured me she knew that putting him to sleep was the right decision.
"His heart's still strong." - said my mom. I just found that extremely touching. Your heart can be strong when your body's failing. And vice versa. He went to sleep a strong boy. "Such a brave boy," like my sister said.
My dad didn't go. Now i'm not sure if he was hoping that the vet would have said that there was some way to improve his condition. Or that he'd rather not see it happen. Or he's distancing himself. Or if he just didn't care. Though I highly doubt that last one. He played with Hope quite regualrly. Maybe my dad's seen so much death it doesn't bother him anymore. He was probably glad that he could say his goodbyes beforehand.
"When Hope is gone,
live on in song."
^ I am going to be writing that soon.
Ah well that's that. Just letting you know what happened during my sunday.
MOVING ON.
Her: "Acknowledging your existence doesn't mean I have to talk to you. Not talking to you doesn't mean we live in animosity. Bye."
Me: "Alright. Hope you're having a nice life. Bye."
Well, it's some sort of civil interaction at least.
Did I get what I wanted...? What did I even want? A reply? Friendship?
I dunno, but whatever it is, I don't need it.
Looking through my e-mail...a rare glimpse of when she was being the better person, or at least being the calm one. I don't think this happened often...
"After sharing everything and going through everything together for the past 23 and a half months, some guy who ditched you is still more important. People who don't even care about you are still more important.
*Going Back*
*Leaving Today*
Is it over?
It might just be tonight but
I think I'm really legitly entirely over her.
Thank you Qing. (:
(see what i did there HAHA but no seriously thank you. if you ever see this)
Wish
What Am I Doing?
Just really afraid that if it develops into anything, I'll want it just because it's SOMEBODY to hold and to love, instead of a specific person...but that's love isn't it. 2 people being able to meet each other's needs...in a way nobody else can? I don't know. Nobody knows.
Do I even like her. The moments when I think I do, am I just lying to myself, trying to convince myself just because it seems like a goal that's actually within reach? And I don't know if she treats everyone like that but it seems like she really does care for me a lot... in any case she's at least a really close friend then.
And another thing. I've said it before, I'm amazed you guys aren't or haven't tried being together. I mean, you are practically each other. How can you guys be so close for so long and have nothing happen? You're her guardian angel, and I'm afraid to let anything happen, afraid of the risk that she gets hurt, you get hurt, and what was a great friendship turns to dust, like it nearly did before. I should just forget about all this. BIO IN 5 HOURS WHAHAHA.
Love Triangles
Don't really know what to say. Other than love being in triangles. And being bizarre.
It's not really so often in triangles though, I'm quite sure they're really really complex polygons. And with vectors instead of normal lines, since they sometimes only go in one direction. And some aren't straight, they curve and twirl and just go haywire.
And I just don't know what to feel, man. You know what I'm talking about. Feel like I might be causing to you what he caused to me...and that's even if anything actually happens. You feel guilty? I feel guilty as well. We're in this together. Sorry.
You're horrible.
And the funny thing is that I'm worse than you.
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
April 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
April 2012
May 2012
June 2012
July 2012
October 2012
November 2012
December 2012
Layout by Nicki