Monday, December 10, 2012
Live On in Song
So, Hope (my family's rabbit) was put to sleep today. I can't say I've been very close to him, or spent a lot of time with him, but I still am rather saddened by the fact he won't be here anymore. No more scuffling sound in the morning when I get my shoes and go out. No more little ball of black fur at the corner of my eye as i walk out of the kitchen.
"You're with Jesus now."
That's when I started to break down a bit. When my eyes welled up a bit. I was surprised at myself, I barely ever cry, even considering my over-active tear glands.
Hearing my sister say a prayer, watching my mother cry, rubbing his grey fur. It was a poignant scene.
For a while I thought about how the vet mentioned how she decided when it was time for her to let go of her own pet. For a while I thought about my own faith. Did I still believe in God and His mercy?
That was the second time (that I can recall) seeing my mom cry.
The first was when I came back extremely late from a date with pearlyn and turned off my phone...it was the period where I made my parents' lives quite terrible. This time, at least I wasn't the one causing it, I could try and comfort her.
"There are no words for this." - were the words that ran through my head as I stood there staring at a poster of a rabbit, while Hope was outside of the consultation room, getting prepared.
But I'm really proud of my mom. She wanted to see it take place. She's always been afraid of seeing...the ending, as it were. She couldn't bear to see her pet cat buried, she couldn't bring herself to go to her father's funeral. But this time she wanted to see it being done. For the first time (I think) she was ready to accept everything, accept closure. I guess she didn't want to relive that guilt and uncertainty. But sadly, there was some complication so they had to do it another way, and they suggested that we not watch it as it can be stressful for those who haven't witnessed euthanasia before. But regardless, I'm glad that she had the will to do that. Hope's condition in his last week or so was really similar to that of her own father in the last few years of his life. Bedridden, immobile, not his usual self. And I was just mildly angry that everything had to happen in such a way that my mom had to be reminded of the past in such a painful way. Nevertheless, I'll believe they're both in a better place now.
My sister didn't cry much, nowhere near as much as my mom. I suppose she had more self-control, and also she used her faith as a coping mechanism. I really hope she doesn't get any more pets after this. I remember my mom was so against her getting a rabbit, she said she wouldn't take care of it. Only much later did I realize it was because she knew she'd get too attached and it would be too painful to let go. I think my sis is handling it pretty well. The way she happily said "Bye!" to the cage as we threw it away downstairs reassured me she knew that putting him to sleep was the right decision.
"His heart's still strong." - said my mom. I just found that extremely touching. Your heart can be strong when your body's failing. And vice versa. He went to sleep a strong boy. "Such a brave boy," like my sister said.
My dad didn't go. Now i'm not sure if he was hoping that the vet would have said that there was some way to improve his condition. Or that he'd rather not see it happen. Or he's distancing himself. Or if he just didn't care. Though I highly doubt that last one. He played with Hope quite regualrly. Maybe my dad's seen so much death it doesn't bother him anymore. He was probably glad that he could say his goodbyes beforehand.
"When Hope is gone,
live on in song."
^ I am going to be writing that soon.
Ah well that's that. Just letting you know what happened during my sunday.
posted : 2:38 AM
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Monday, November 5, 2012
MOVING ON.
Me: "Hey, I was just looking through my e-mail and wondering, how did it come to this? I hate living with animosity. Can we just...acknowledge each other's existence, in the very least?"
Her: "Acknowledging your existence doesn't mean I have to talk to you. Not talking to you doesn't mean we live in animosity. Bye."
Me: "Alright. Hope you're having a nice life. Bye."
Well, it's some sort of civil interaction at least.
Did I get what I wanted...? What did I even want? A reply? Friendship?
I dunno, but whatever it is, I don't need it.
Looking through my e-mail...a rare glimpse of when she was being the better person, or at least being the calm one. I don't think this happened often...
"
After sharing everything and going through everything together for the past 23 and a half months, some guy who ditched you is still more important. People who don't even care about you are still more important.
I'm not going to cry.
I'm not going to shout.
I'm going to let you calm down and talk to me when you feel like it.
I've changed and I'm changing okay?
I'll see you tomorrow.
Love you.
<3 div="div" pony.="pony.">
I'm going to stop asking why.
I'm going to stop crying and screaming and kicking.
I remember what I've always told you.
The truth is what you make it out to be.
You told me the truth, I'll change it.
I'll make sure you love having me in my life.
I'm going to make you happy.
I hope you will allow me to (continue) do(ing) so.
Love you
no matter what
forever & always
Your baby sayang, pony."
(both dated 3 May 2011)
That " guy who ditched" me is Darren. Darren TBC. Always loved his initials. If you go scroll all the way back to 2008/2009 on this blog there should be mention of him, thought it probably didn't encapsulate how good of a friend he was to me. And I left him hanging on his own. Just because of her warped ideas of being friends with people who didn't like her meant betraying her and therefore our friendship. I can't believe I let that happen. And I do still miss him. Last time I saw him was on 74, with Kwik, in January, before things got fucked up, on our way to Serene Centre for duck confit. Oh God, the irony. She really ruins lives huh.
And looking at the songs I wrote her for her birthday/anniversary/WoW...some of it's actually quite good.
*Going Back*
I'm going back to the park
Running back into the dark
Going home into your arms
Tonight's the storm before the calm
^this park is the one behind Dawson Place lawlawl.
*Maybe Next Time*
Maybe this time, I'll learn
Maybe this time, I'll know for sure
Maybe this time, I'll be a man
Maybe this time, I'll sacrifice all I am
Well you said you're leaving
Maybe we should stop believing
But I'll keep staying on my toes
Cos no one ever really knows
Maybe next time, we'll be happy
Maybe next time, we'll change nappies
Maybe next time, we'll be together at last
Maybe next time, we'll forget this past
^verses are saltwater room chords heh. lovely.
(Cmaj7/Bm7)x3 /Am7/Dsus2
I'm leaving today
I'm going far away
Won't you come and stay
for a while, and maybe say
A word or two
Maybe three, maybe i love you
To stay any longer i'd be a fool
would you?
Please don't go
Baby don't you know
I'll be coming back in a week
Don't speak
Just hold on
Listen to this song
I'll be by your side in a while
Please smile
^first day. song for the last day is the same as this, but with different lyrics:
*Don't Wait*
You don't have to wait
Much longer my precious babe
A couple of hours and i'll be there by your side
with a smile
and A gift or two
maybe three and yes i've been good
To wait any longer i'd be a fool
would you?
Help me now
I'm feeling kinda down
injury grabs my aching bones
hard as stone
I see your face
nothing can replace
that smile that hair that laugh that skin and bone
I'm home
^I really really really love this chord progression. Wrote pancakes and bacon with a modified version.
Well, the reason I'm even going through all this in my e-mail is because of Qing's encouragement videos heheh. She's so awkward. (:
"Oh ya I forgot to say. Good luck for your english tomorrow. Okay.
*points to herself*
*makes heart shape with hands*
*points at camera*
Kay buhbye!"
Plus, had a nice conversation with her about our past relationships/partners. I love how we're both so accepting that we did love them respectively, at that point in time and we're not angry or anything. I think that's what a good relationship should be founded on. Acceptance, trust.
Was saying something about how Pearlyn warped my entire view and perspective of the world. And Qing replies something like "Oh the world is a really nice place it has rainbows and stuff and pandai pandas." (she learned today that pandai means smart...and i realized today that you can't spell pandai without panda)
I had my doubts and I still do about a long-term, like REALLY LONG-TERM relationship, what with religion and parents and...stuff. But I just feel like on an entirely personal, emotional level we're working out really well. She's reaffirming my faith that the world is indeed a lovely place. Or at least she makes it so. And I hope I'm doing the same for her. I guess we saved each other from that pit of filth that Christy is still wallowing in after a breakup.
Hm, kinda concerned about Christy. Oh well. She'll stay alive.
BUT yeah, life is good now. ^^
OH HO IB IN LESS THAN 8 HOURS. BYE.
posted : 12:22 AM
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Thursday, October 25, 2012
Is it over?
It might just be today,
It might just be tonight but
I think I'm really legitly entirely over her.
Thank you Qing. (:
(see what i did there HAHA but no seriously thank you. if you ever see this)
posted : 1:28 AM
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Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Wish
I really wish you were here right now. I'd like to wrap my arms around you and slowly fade into sleep. Or better yet, not sleep, stay awake so I can consciously enjoy holding you. In this little corner of my bed we'd forget the world. It would just be us. No one else, nothing else. But the thing is, I don't even know who I'm referring to.
posted : 3:04 AM
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What Am I Doing?
Seriously what am I doing. What do I want. I feel so bad for the way things are. But is it even my fault? Is anything even happening? Did I do anything? Anything wrong, at that? I don't know anything.
Just really afraid that if it develops into anything, I'll want it just because it's SOMEBODY to hold and to love, instead of a specific person...but that's love isn't it. 2 people being able to meet each other's needs...in a way nobody else can? I don't know. Nobody knows.
Do I even like her. The moments when I think I do, am I just lying to myself, trying to convince myself just because it seems like a goal that's actually within reach? And I don't know if she treats everyone like that but it seems like she really does care for me a lot... in any case she's at least a really close friend then.
And another thing. I've said it before, I'm amazed you guys aren't or haven't tried being together. I mean, you are practically each other. How can you guys be so close for so long and have nothing happen? You're her guardian angel, and I'm afraid to let anything happen, afraid of the risk that she gets hurt, you get hurt, and what was a great friendship turns to dust, like it nearly did before. I should just forget about all this. BIO IN 5 HOURS WHAHAHA.
posted : 3:01 AM
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Friday, July 6, 2012
Love Triangles
Bizarre love triangles indeed.
Don't really know what to say. Other than love being in triangles. And being bizarre.
It's not really so often in triangles though, I'm quite sure they're really really complex polygons. And with vectors instead of normal lines, since they sometimes only go in one direction. And some aren't straight, they curve and twirl and just go haywire.
And I just don't know what to feel, man. You know what I'm talking about. Feel like I might be causing to you what he caused to me...and that's even if anything actually happens. You feel guilty? I feel guilty as well. We're in this together. Sorry.
posted : 1:33 AM
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You're horrible.
You're just a horrible person. That's it. I knew it all along, just never realized the full extent of it. You must think you're justified, having lived the life you lived. Sure, it was terrible, full of heartbreak, setbacks, trauma. But I don't think that's reason enough to treat yourself like the king of the fucking world. Yeah it might just be a few gestures or actions or words, but you know you KNOW you're one selfish fucker. Thinking you're always right? Leaving things to other people to do? Okay fine, you have your reasons. You just need to lie to yourself to make yourself feel better. Fine. But really, it's so much clearer now how horrible of a person you are now that i'm no longer blinded by love. Or whatever it was. Please, just give them back to me.
And the funny thing is that I'm worse than you.
posted : 1:28 AM
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