Live On in Song
So, Hope (my family's rabbit) was put to sleep today. I can't say I've been very close to him, or spent a lot of time with him, but I still am rather saddened by the fact he won't be here anymore. No more scuffling sound in the morning when I get my shoes and go out. No more little ball of black fur at the corner of my eye as i walk out of the kitchen.
"You're with Jesus now."
That's when I started to break down a bit. When my eyes welled up a bit. I was surprised at myself, I barely ever cry, even considering my over-active tear glands.
Hearing my sister say a prayer, watching my mother cry, rubbing his grey fur. It was a poignant scene.
For a while I thought about how the vet mentioned how she decided when it was time for her to let go of her own pet. For a while I thought about my own faith. Did I still believe in God and His mercy?
That was the second time (that I can recall) seeing my mom cry.
The first was when I came back extremely late from a date with pearlyn and turned off my phone...it was the period where I made my parents' lives quite terrible. This time, at least I wasn't the one causing it, I could try and comfort her.
"There are no words for this." - were the words that ran through my head as I stood there staring at a poster of a rabbit, while Hope was outside of the consultation room, getting prepared.
But I'm really proud of my mom. She wanted to see it take place. She's always been afraid of seeing...the ending, as it were. She couldn't bear to see her pet cat buried, she couldn't bring herself to go to her father's funeral. But this time she wanted to see it being done. For the first time (I think) she was ready to accept everything, accept closure. I guess she didn't want to relive that guilt and uncertainty. But sadly, there was some complication so they had to do it another way, and they suggested that we not watch it as it can be stressful for those who haven't witnessed euthanasia before. But regardless, I'm glad that she had the will to do that. Hope's condition in his last week or so was really similar to that of her own father in the last few years of his life. Bedridden, immobile, not his usual self. And I was just mildly angry that everything had to happen in such a way that my mom had to be reminded of the past in such a painful way. Nevertheless, I'll believe they're both in a better place now.
My sister didn't cry much, nowhere near as much as my mom. I suppose she had more self-control, and also she used her faith as a coping mechanism. I really hope she doesn't get any more pets after this. I remember my mom was so against her getting a rabbit, she said she wouldn't take care of it. Only much later did I realize it was because she knew she'd get too attached and it would be too painful to let go. I think my sis is handling it pretty well. The way she happily said "Bye!" to the cage as we threw it away downstairs reassured me she knew that putting him to sleep was the right decision.
"His heart's still strong." - said my mom. I just found that extremely touching. Your heart can be strong when your body's failing. And vice versa. He went to sleep a strong boy. "Such a brave boy," like my sister said.
My dad didn't go. Now i'm not sure if he was hoping that the vet would have said that there was some way to improve his condition. Or that he'd rather not see it happen. Or he's distancing himself. Or if he just didn't care. Though I highly doubt that last one. He played with Hope quite regualrly. Maybe my dad's seen so much death it doesn't bother him anymore. He was probably glad that he could say his goodbyes beforehand.
"When Hope is gone,
live on in song."
^ I am going to be writing that soon.
Ah well that's that. Just letting you know what happened during my sunday.
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